Iced Nightmare

A big decision to be made in planning for any camping trip is the coffee. Will it be the messy grounds of the percolator or the tidy instant? For me the choice is easy - grounds. Instant coffee seems so distant and hollow. I can taste it a mile away. If this drink were a tranny it’d have an adams apple the size of a grapefruit.

So imagine my delight upon hearing about Starbucks’ new “VIA.” The first time I heard about it was from a barista in Portland, OR. We talked coffee as I ordered and the subject turned to Starbucks. “I can’t stand their coffee,” he said, “but I do kind of like their new instant.”

Flash forward 2 months and I’m camping with Mandy. My conversation with the Portland barista a distant memory, she mentions she’s packed the new Starbucks VIA.

-VIA?

-It’s their new instant coffee.

-Ohhh, I’ve heard about that.

I looked forward to the morning as if it were Christmas Day. Instead of Castle Grayskull, Santa was bringing me the Starbucks VIA.

Water was boiled. Coffee was prepared, then consumed.

The VIA is no doubt a revelation in instant coffee, but it’s not my cup of tea. It didn’t taste like instant coffee, but it didn’t taste like real coffee either. I found myself wishing I had grounds to clean out of the percolator.

My focus turned to the drive home and the Java Express I took note of in Two Harbors. 

The approach to the Java Express is a little daunting. There are two drive-up windows – one a direct turnoff from Highway 61 and one a turnoff from the alley going the other direction. The lines aren’t uniform. The one from the highway is easier to get to (and therefore longer), but I thought the lone barista working – a kind looking woman – would keep tabs on who was first (instead of simply going back-and-forth between the windows). I quickly realized this was not the case, and before I could pull around to the much shorter alley entrance line I was boxed in from behind by a Ford Expedition.

There were two in front of me and two behind me now. The other window had a wait of one car max. I suspect this is the line the locals have learned to go to. Each vehicle demanded a good amount of time. This wasn’t just coffee she was preparing, it was art.

I eyed what I wanted right away – a large Iced Latte. The day was warm and the sun wasn’t completely fooled by the air conditioner. The wallop those chilled shots of espresso would pack will surely make this 3 ½ hour drive a snap.

Mandy decided on the regular hot Chai Latte, which I thought was crazy considering the weather. She’s never let warm drinks on warm days bother her.

We ended up waiting 20 minutes.

-What can I get you?

-I’ll have a medium Chai Latte and a large Iced Latte.

-So an medium Iced Chai Latte and…

-No an Iced Chai, I mean a regular large Iced Latte and a medium Chai Latte.

It took a good 3-4 minutes for her to finish, but there they were and we were on our way.

Imagine my relief. Two nights of camping with subpar coffee. A dull pain behind my eyes subdued only by the knowledge that relief was on the way. And finally the moment had arrived. That first sip, bound to be a taste explosion of…ice cold Chai Latte?

She got it wrong. And damnit if I was gonna go wait in that godforsaken line again. To hell with Two Harbors and anything North of the Twin Cities that doesn’t know how to prepare a decent coffee. 

Back to the city to walk among the civilized.